Welcome to the most chaotic cinematic therapy session this side of the apocalypse, where four degenerates shout over each other about spin kicks, bad wigs, and jacked robots who don’t know what dongs are anymore. This week we’re getting emotionally destroyed by a Jean-Claude Van Damme triple feature that roundhouse kicked us so HARD it sent us spiraling into a fever dream so intense it should come with a physician’s warning and a complimentary bottle of body oil.
💥 First up: Cyborg (1989) — Directed by Albert "I-Wrote-It-In-Four-Days" Pyun Starring: Jean-Claude “Gibson Rickenbacker” Van Damme, Vincent “Warchild but Make It Fashion” Klyn Plot? Who cares. Cyborg was born from the ashes of Masters of the Universe 2 and a dead Spider-Man project that’s about crucifixions and kickboxing in a Mad Max cosplay world with a villain so greasy you could fry an egg on his abs. Also, everyone is named after guitars. It's Gibson vs. Fender, literally. Who wins? Not you.
💥 Then we enter Universal Soldier (1992) — Directed by Roland “Cool Him Down or He’ll Explode” Emmerich Starring: JCVD, Dolph “I’m Always Screaming” Lundgren, Ally “Probably Regrets This” Walker It’s the tale of two dead Vietnam beefcake bros turned into murder-zombies with gamer headsets and malfunctioning body temp regulation who forget they had dongs. JCVD eats 47 pancakes in a diner and gets threatened by a chef over unpaid eggs. And there’s even a scene where JCVD becomes a literal car engine. NICE!
⚠️ Bonus Feature: The Universal Soldier Hotline Sweepstakes — a $1.50-per-minute scam where kids paid to MAYBE win a trip but mostly got a long-distance relationship with bankruptcy. Press 1 for disappointment. Press 2 for regret.
💥 And finally… Street Fighter (1994) — Directed by Steven E. "Let’s Not Read the Game Manual" de Souza Starring: JCVD (as the most Belgian American of all time), Raul Julia (RIP, you absolute legend), and a parade of weirdly under-beefed martial artists. There is no street fighting. There is no plot. There is only COCAINE: THE MOVIE™. Also, Blanka looks like someone painted a Subway sandwich green and gave it unresolved trauma. It's weird.
👊 ALSO IN THIS ROUNDHOUSE OF CHAOS:
•JCVD’s butt clause (it’s gotta be a thing)
•Terminator shirts with fake Arnold arms sewn into them
•"Last Temptation of JCVD" (crucifixion scene + splits = cinematic gold)
•Dolph’s piercing baby blues and why they deserve their own movie deal
•Unapologetic McDonald’s Monopoly trauma
•And a philosophical debate on whether JCVD is just awkward… or perfectly cast as a misunderstood meat robot.
🔥 This episode is a car crash made entirely out of VHS tapes, cocaine dust, and shredded tank tops. So SMASH that like button, COMMENT with your favorite JCVD ass scene, and SUBSCRIBE before Dolph Lundgren finds you and makes you do a push-up for every bad ADR line in Universal Soldier, SOLDIER!
CREEP-O-RAMA is:
Podcast: Listen Here
YouTube: @creep-o-rama
Josh: @joshblevesque
Audio: @stranjlove
