Welcome to part THREE of the Jean-Claude Van Damme marathon! This week, four roundhouse-loving maniacs dive into a triple feature so stacked it could only be held together with sweat and slow-motion spin kicks while it fights to resist spontaneously combusting from a denim overload and sheer gluteal power!
👊 Lionheart (1990) – Directed by Sheldon Lettich, written partially by JCVD’s ego.
Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme as Leon “Lionheart” Gaultier, a French Foreign Legionnaire who quits his job as a desert soldier and becomes a full-time underground fight club God in mom jeans.
This movie has it all: dudes fighting in racquetball courts, dudes fighting in slacks, dudes fighting in turtlenecks, the world’s most enthusiastic hype man, and a slow clap ending so powerful it might restore your faith in cinema.
🔊 Quote of the day: "You've got a big heart, Lionheart." (Said no fewer than 137 times)
👊 Death Warrant (1990) – Directed by Deran Sarafian, written by baby David S. Goyer before he sold his soul to Batman.
Van Damme plays Louis Burke, a French-Canadian cop sent undercover in a prison so corrupt it makes Shawshank look like a Marriott.
Highlights include:
•A shirtless flying kick into fire (naturally)
•JCVD roundhouse kicking someone within 60 seconds of arriving at jail
•A weird-ass conjugal visit seduction scene
•A flaming roundhouse kick so HARD that it would make Steven Seagal cry in his caftan
👊 Nowhere to Run (1993) – Directed by Robert Harmon (The Hitcher, now THIS) Starring Jean-Claude “The Sexiest Cryptid West of the Mississippi” Van Damme, Rosanna Arquette, and a baby Kieran Culkin (now an Oscar winner).
This was supposed to be a gentle drama called Pals… and instead we got "What if JCVD was a shirtless farm god with a heart of gold and ass of steel?" Highlights:
•JCVD living in a tent with no food, just porn and vengeance
•A chase scene on a motorcycle so good it distracted us from the emotionally scarring skinny dip
•More ass shots than plot points
•And the greatest dude-fight ever put on film, complete with shotgun blasts, shirt-ripping, and strategic jumps into the line of fire for no reason
💥BONUS MADNESS:
•Philosophical debates on whether anyone is truly “enough strong to be jail”
•Conspiracy theories about JCVD’s contractually obligated butt shots
•Letterboxd lists for “Most Dude Fights,” “JCVD Gets Blinded Again,” and “Movies Where JCVD Shows His Ass (As a Treat)”
•An emotional tribute to high-waisted jeans and the men bold enough to wear them
So slap on your tightest jeans, flex those glutes, and hit play—because this episode is pure roundhouse chaos from start to finish.
CREEP-O-RAMA is:
Podcast: Listen Here
YouTube: @creep-o-rama
Josh: @joshblevesque
Audio: @stranjlove
